I'm a Missionary Momma

Today I posted on Facebook that we are in a single digit countdown until Kelsie gets home. Being a missionary mom has been one of the single most surreal things in my entire life. I don't think there is an emotion that I have not felt over the last 15 months, happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow, excitement, fear, love, sickness, empathy, euphoria, gain, pride, humility, and loss.

When announced she needed to go on a mission I was shocked and thrilled, but the thought of sending her off for 18 months had me terrified and sad. I don't say she wanted to go on a mission, but she felt drawn and had witnessed a true personal revelation that she was to serve. I am the kind of hovering mom that wants to be in control of a lot of things, but for this I knew she needed to rely on her own strength and the love of a Heavenly Father who knows way more than me. She, alone, prepared her papers and got spiritual ready to submit them. I don't know if I've ever been so nervous and excited then the day she opened her call. The mailman brought them to the door and I sent her a text to school. When I held that white envelope in my hand I knew it was the right call; I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time. She flew home after class to open the call. Lots of family and friends came, she is the first sister to serve on the Stout side and the second on the Tolbert side. When the call came there was excitement and cheering and pride that filled our home. She headed back to school and finished the semester. One thing I can always count on is Kelsie's focus. When she is supposed to do something she does it. She finished school and prepared for a mission, that's what she did.

We snuck a trip to Disneyland at the end of the semester and then we prepared for mission in a more physical way while we tried to work and live life. There was lots of shopping and lots to squeeze in before she left. We made it to Emily's wedding, Chez's mission call opening, a girls' trip to San Fransisco, and a family trip to Glenwood Springs Colorado. On her 19th birthday Kelsie gave her farewell talk in sacrament meeting surrounded by everyone she loves most. I'll never forget walking into her room on Monday night, July 27th, two days before she left. I had been up late working and I went to her room to see why the light was on. My girl was in full tears. She was scared and worried and nervous and terrified about leaving. She was unsure of her testimony and preparedness. My heart was broken-I felt sadness like I have rarely felt in my life. My heart wanted to just tell her to stay home. She could return to school on the full ride scholarship that she was on and we could move on like the status quo. But I knew I had to set my heart aside and show the strength that we do hard things and preserve. I reminded her of the reason she was going and that her preparation was enough. Heavenly Father would carry her when she needed Him. Satan is the doubt that crept into her thoughts and told her she wasn't enough. Tuesday I tried to get her to pack - she refused. I sat on the floor in the front room and packed my little girl for 18 months. We went and found some of the things she was missing and we came home to get ready for her setting-apart. The stake president and bishop came to our home and set her apart as a full-time missionary. It was tough as a mom, but Kelsie said she felt better than she had in 4 months.

Wednesday we packed her up, Todd gave her a father's blessing, and we knelt if family prayer for the last time in 18 months. Then we went to some lunch at Joe Bandito's, a local favorite. We arrived at the Provo Temple and took some pictures before it was time to say goodbye. Then we said a very emotional goodbye and drove across the street to the MTC. It was the most heartbreaking moment of pride I have ever felt. I cried like I haven't cried in a very long time and felt an emptiness in my gut. I knew that it would be hard, but it was harder than I could even imagine. I knew I wouldn't want her anywhere else, but it was a hard day. I immediately sent her an email telling her that we were okay, and that she should go to work. I knew I wasn't ok, but I didn't want her to know that.

I went to work after that. I filled my days with the work that had been put on the back burner while we prepared for her departure. Each day got better and I found I was excited to hear from her every p-day. I got to talk to her 12 days later before she left to Calgary and it made me feel better that she was doing just fine. A few weeks into her mission I could tell she wasn't ok. She sent me an email telling me she needed a mom "lecture". Again, what I wanted to do was tell her to come home. But again, I told her to remember the reason she was there, I told her to work hard and think about the people. Within a few months I could tell she was doing better. I have really missed her; birthdays, holidays, family vacations, slow times, driving, family dinners, and lonely times.She has hard times, she has had great times, she has grown into the best version of herself and I am so beyond proud of my little girl who is now her Heavenly Father's soldier.

With three months to go I reflect upon the blessings of having a missionary in our family. We have been blessed beyond measure. One of the greatest blessings I have felt is my ability to look beyond the challenges in life and see the blessings that are always abundant. I know that Heavenly Father blesses the missionaries and their families. It has not all been rosy and Satan has worked on our families. We have seen sadness, trial, and even the wavering of strong testimonies. But we have seen blessings of family, babies, testimony, friendship, and strength beyond our own. We are watched over and protected by a Father in Heaven that knows each of us. We are given all of the opportunities and blessings we need to have our families for the eternities. We are blessed! I love that little girl of mine, she is my only daughter and a literal piece of my heart. Thank you sweet girl for giving me the opportunity to be a missionary momma. I love you and am so proud of you!

In My Shoes...

I grabbed a pair of shoes and I heard Zack's voice in my mind say,  "Mom, wear your cute brown shoes like Rachel's." So I put my black boots back in the closet and pulled out The Rachel's. Yesterday I was feeling a little guilty and sad as I left my boys on their fall break to go to a lecture and study session at the U. On the drive my mind kept going back to the thoughts that went through my mind as I pulled on my Rachel's. I thought of the women in my life that inspire me to be better. I thought to myself, "I can do this."

We've all heard the saying, "If you could walk in my shoes..." As I pull on my shoes everyday I find strength in my shoes from the woman who lives around the corner, the woman who is driving their kids to school, the woman taking Trax to school or work, the woman in bed because she worked the night shift or stayed up late at a much needed girls' night, the woman who is at the gym, or at the temple, or making breakfast, or on her knees in prayer. I get strength from the women who fill my life with hope.

My Closet Includes:

The Rachel: A lot of function and a little bit of style; they are shoes of balance. The Rachel sends a husband to work with a prayer of safety as he protects the citizens of our community. They balance work to meet the needs of  family, while raising boys to be respectful, honorable young men. These shoes do it with no apologies and with style! These shoes are always good for a Diet Coke run, but most importantly the words of comfort that accompany the ride. The reviews for these shoes can be found from the noisy boys in the backyard, the client at the makeshift office table, the comments of the young women in the ward, and the teenage boys that think the wearer of these shoes is on fleek.

The Nicole: Planning each moment to its fullest, for the most pure of reasons. The Nicole ensures children have adventures and experiences that teach, guide, and inspire the mind, body, an soul. These shoes are simple, sturdy, and will take you anywhere your imagination and ingenuity will allow. They have walked quiet paths, and hard rocky trails, but these shoes always make it to the top of the mountain and ensure that you enjoy the view when you get there. These shoes allow you take the time for even the little things - finding a passion, date nights, girls' nights, picking clovers, and fulfilling the Lord's work. The best part about these shoes is that the more you wear them, the more you love them.

The Kim: No matter what the circumstances a little sparkle can brighten anyone's day. The Kim is the go to for a much needed girls' lunch. They shine a little light on a busy and burdensome week. They are the best pick for a short shopping trip, a Cafe Rio trip, or a ride for a coke. The Kim's aren't always out on display for the whole world to see, but when they come out they make a direct and deep impact to the wearer. Sometimes you might wear these when you do the hard things like sending your husband to military service, watching your daughter have her first baby, or sending your other child to serve the Lord across the country. The Kim's always remind you that you can do hard things and sparkle right through it.

The Melissa: These might be the busiest shoes of all. The Melissa's can be seen running, chasing, maybe even dragging several children around the valley. These shoes are comparable to one of a superhero; not only are these shoes busy with kids, but they are also always serving neighbors, running businesses, supporting husbands, doing extended family visits, having date nights, and one-on-one moments with kiddos. These are shoes of faith; they rely heavily on the Spirit to work at their best. The Melissa's inspire people to have faith in the Lord and His timing.

The Stef: These are shoes of creativity and dreams. The Stef gives you permission to know you can do anything. These shoes will take you to anywhere on your bucket list. The great thing about these is they have the talent and the hard work to get you there. If you want to remodel your house, start a business, learn a talent, support your kids through hard times, change jobs to make your family life better, or go on a spontaneous trip, these are your shoes. These shoes always make you feel good when you're wearing them. They have the "you can do anything" attitude and they really do work!

The Lisa: These shoes can also be called the 'Just Do It' shoes. The Lisa can pretty much do anything. If you need to get something done, wear these shoes. These shoes can run a household, run a primary, host a party, host another family for a couple months, support an entrepreneur, bake a pie, or a cake, cookies, tarts, okay... pretty much anything. These shoes are there for everyone, but be careful with these shoes because everything these shoes touch turns to gold, and if people know you have these in your possession they might ask a lot of you.

The Rena: These are the shoes of comfort. Wearing The Rena is like wearing a big hug. Wear the Rena's when your having a rainy day and you want to curl up with a cup of cocoa and a chick flick. The Rena can be seen all around the neighborhood; they are not selective shoes and are handed out to everyone willingly. They are the shoes everyone wants to have, whether it be the new neighbor, the sick mommy, the mourning wife, the missionary mom, or the momma that just wants to pull her hair out - the Rena is there to offer a hug (and maybe even a cinnamon roll). Everyone needs a pair of Rena's.

The Kristen: These shoes are the shoes of support. These shoes are unique and stand out on their own, but when the Spirit speaks these follow. These are the shoes of quiet faith. They are worth more than the owner even knows, they are beautiful, strong and sturdy. The Kristen's are the shoes that support the priesthood. They are those that say I'll go where you want me to go. They teach the wearer to have faith in the path that is laid out in front of them, because the path will lead to peace. These are the shoes that standout because of what is inside of them; they are made with the best materials and are unique, but don't have to be covered in diamonds to be valuable.

The Katia: These are the shoes of adventure. These shoes have walked many lands and in many languages. These shoes find the best of any circumstances. These shoes scream, "I can find happiness anywhere, doing anything, with anyone!" These are the shoes that can be away from loved ones and familiarity and find joy on whatever adventure they are on. And these shoes are a gorgeous - inside and out! People are drawn to these shoes because of the details, but speak to the wearer in very unique ways.

The Donna: This is the shoe of renewal. This shoe inspires planting roots deeply in the most important things: faith, values, God, and family. But The Donna says to go after your dreams, seek constant learning, have fun, laugh out loud. The Donna doesn't expect perfection, but expects hard work. The Donna doesn't judge the wearer; if your foot is a little swollen or your socks don't match, The Donna doesn't care. It's the journey matters for The Donna.

The Marlene: These are the shoes of service. These shoes are quiet, but powerful. These shoes are faithful shoes that speak to you if you're willing to listen. These shoes can be seen giving someone a hug on bad day, fulfilling their visiting teaching, delivering bread, or making a visit. These shoes raise the smartest kids! The Marlene's are admired by everyone that looks at them, but they are quiet and don't need the brightest spotlight. The Marlene stands out on its own merit.

The Michelle: These are the shoes of priority. These can be found in the service of family, Heavenly Father, church callings, and friends. The Michelle knows how to prioritize what's important. These shoes know if you put Heavenly Father and Family first the rest seems to work out. These shoes can be found teaching children to work, on Friday date night, writing letters to missionaries, hosting dinners, pulling scones at football games, and teaching brother-in-laws to make cookies. The Michelle has priorities in order and is the shoe of the unselfish.

There are many shoes that walk my neighborhood everyday, and walk into my life at every moment.
The Sarai-The shoe of perseverance to overcome.
The Lisa D. - The shoe of laughter.
The Tiffany - The shoe of strength.
The Annalice - The shoe of guidance.
The Becky - The shoe of preparation.
The Kandice - The shoe of education.
The Aubrie - The shoe of laughter.
And many, many, many more!


Every shoe speaks to me in it's own way and at different times depending on the weather, the comfort vs fashion, the plans for the day, or whatever I need to make it through the moment. Although each of the shoes in my life are different, they are the same: they protect me from the storms, they cheer me up, they give me strength, they are fun to have, they keep me warm, they walk with me every day, they are there when I need them. Each pair gives me faith in my divine plan and with hope that I can be better and fill my shoes in a way that the women in my life fill theirs. I am so grateful for every pair of shoes I have and I look forward to the future shoes I will acquire in life (I'm glad I have a big closet)! So the next time you hear the statement, "If you could only walk in my shoes..." Please know my reality - because you inspire me, you have walked in mine.

First Day of School 2016

We have entered a new reality!

August 22, 2016

I entered the doors of the University of Utah yesterday. Wow!! I can't believe I am doing this. It started out with a great class all about he doc program by an awesome experienced professor. So it was very comfortable and very good. I learned one of the biggest pitfalls that doctoral students make is procrastination! Uh oh, I'm in trouble. She said plan on writing a minimum of 12 hours a week and schedule it in. So as you can see, I'm already distracted and it's the second day. I am going to have to buckle down for sure. But day one was great!

Day two... Different story! I took me 1 hour and 55 minutes to get to campus today. I paid 14 bucks to park. Then I was late, I showed up to class and had to introduce myself with a fun fact. This is a major generalization, but so funny. I'm pretty sure that 90% (or more) of my classmates are hikers, bikers, campers, kayakers, mountain climbers, and vacation in Nepal, and wear recyclable shoes. But don't worry, I introduced myself with the fun fact that I don't do anything outdoorsy or sporty, but I proudly hold a Disneyland Annual Pass and have used it on six trips this year. Yeah, I'm thinking people were not impressed. Haha! But, I get the very first question of the day! What does this mean (See picture below)? Well my answer, as expected, is "I DON'T KNOW!" How embarrassing !!!!! It pretty much went downhill from there. 

Seriously, Who knows what this means?!?! Keep in mind the last stats class I had was maybe high school, like 25 years ago!

Now for the real stars - Clark and Zack!

Clark is a junior this year. He was so excited to go to school today and tech the opening assembly and is happy to report it went perfectly, on his part! He got lots of compliments on his shirt today, and that's a good thing because all of his school shirts look similar. And he took his good friend Clara to school today. He had lunch with Jaylee, a new girl in the ward, and Clara and Hillary. His big stress right now is who to take to homecoming, I'm sure he'll figure it out. He is a little nervous about his physics class and very excited about theater tech. Pep band and the school play are on the agenda for the fall, and he was asked to be on the tech crew for Shakespeare Competition! 

Zack is a funny and stylish 9th grader! He's nervous about his math class. Maybe because his teacher said she hates math and hopes to be a history teacher, but it was easier to get a math job. And the only reason she picked teaching was because she didn't make it as a professional dancer. But the real story of the day was in seminary. He walks in and Bro. Carter said, "Hi, welcome to seminary. I'm Brother Carter, I think your in my class." Zack replies, "Um, I think I have Bro. Staff." Laugh, giggle, and chuckle from Bro. Carter and the Seminary Secretary. Poor buggar, he just tried to laugh along and try and figure it out. I mean it says staff right there on his schedule. Haha!!! Oh and he loves his history teacher and asked to be known was the Asian Persuasion! She even laughed, but maybe was a little taken off guard. He is a witty funny guy!

Oh and Todd wore a brand new shirt to work today. So instead of the first day of school, he gets new new clothes for day 6662 of work for IFA! What a great guy! Maybe I'll get a picture next time!

Back to school is alway a fun an exciting time! Every new school year brings a new reality for all of us! 

41 and Back to School?

I'm really going to do it. I'm going to back to school! Yes, I'm 41 years old. Yes, I gave up a job with a decent salary and good benefits. Yes, I have a missionary and two teenage boys. Yes, we will be going to one income. Yes, I will be commuting to Salt Lake at least 3 days a week. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I am nervous. Yes, I am anxious. Yes, this has been a lifelong dream.

In just 2 days I will embark on a very scary journey to get a doctoral degree at the University of Utah. It is scary and really quite mind-blowing, but I know deep down I'm supposed to do this. My journey to get here has been remarkable and really has confirmed that I should be doing this.

Way back in June 2015 I attended a UMTSS conference and was visiting with my good friend Kim Mendenhall, a former PhD graduate from the U. She introduced me to the Head of the Department of Special Education at the University of Utah. He was there recruiting for the department and told me about funding that had been received for a fully funded doctoral program in managing touch behaviors in the classroom. It got my mind turning and thinking about pursuing a doctoral degree, something I'd always wanted to do, but just never seemed right. When I got home from conference I contacted Rob O'neill and set up an appointment to visit with him about the program. When I got home from the appointment I kept thinking this is awesome, but for some reason didn't feel like I could get it all done by fall (honestly I don't think I could have) and I thought that must be my answer, not right now. Kelsie was getting ready to leave on her mission and I had two very active teenage boys, and although my work with the UPDN had been difficult, I'd only been with them one year and needed to give it a chance. So I put it in the back of my mind.

Fast forward about 6 months to the holidays 2015: I'm in my office and get an email from the U saying if you're interested in applying applications are due by January 5th (I think). My very dear friend and colleague, Randy Schelbe's cancer returns and on Thanksgiving Day she passes away. I am propelled to complete the PhD application and feel like I have to do it! I sign up for the GRE, I start getting letters of recommendations, and over Christmas break I get all of the letters and forms written. I submit my application one day before it is due. A couple of weeks later I get a call from the department and I am asked if I want to apply for the behavior program that is funded or the general program. I am compelled to say I want the general program, but immediately think "How will I pay for this?" But, feel very strongly and say, "I want the general program." Then I WAIT!

CEC conference in February 2016: I am in the hallway by the UPDN booth going over my notes for the explicit instruction session that I will be teaching in an hour, and Rob O'neill asks to visit with me. He tells me I have been admitted to the program and wants to personally congratulate me on my acceptance. I keep it together for a minute, then I head to the restroom to I freak out and call Todd and my family. What an exciting day and a huge honor. 

Then really I start to pray! How will this work? Can I afford to do this? Does it make sense for me to do this now? Am I being selfish? Should I work part-time? Is it right to have my family sacrifice for a personal dream or goal? Can I do this? And the list goes on.... I pray, I talk to Todd, and I go to the temple and I feel very strongly that I need to quit my job and focus on school. I meet with my boss and send in a letter of resignation. I pray and try and have faith.

The next day I go to the gas station to get a drink and feel really strongly that I should go and get a yogurt at another gas station (I know weird). So as I'm walking out of the gas station I run into the director and associate director of special education for Nebo School District and I am offered a DREAM job right there on the spot, in my jeans and hoodie, in the parking lot. I immediately know this is an answer to prayers. I call Todd, and I tell my boys, and I write Kelsie, and I am feeling on cloud 9! One week later I am in orientation for the PhD program and my brilliant chair offers me a scholarship and a job teaching at the University. I am seriously so floored, so taken back, and so grateful. I was told I could only do one or the other, so then I start to worry and think, but the Nebo job is an answer to prayers. What should I do? I try getting advice from friends, from Todd, from family, and I know that I must make this decision on my own. I get worried and I only can think "Mindy, go to the temple." So later that week I attended the temple. I went all by myself and I had the neatest and most direct answer given to me that day. This is the answer I received. Mindy Tolbert- look a the blessings in your life. With all that is going on in the world, in the family, and with your friends, are you going to act as though your stress on which job to take and who is going to write your check is earth shattering? Now, I don't feel like my question was not important, because it was and I should take it to the Lord. What I do feel like my answer was that I was extremely blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband that works tirelessly for our family. I have a missionary that is safe and teaching what she knows is true. I have two awesome happy, healthy, smart boys that are willing to sacrifice for their mom to do this. And the Lord is watching over me. I am being protected. And sometimes it will work itself out and I had two great offers to help me on this journey. Have faith. 

Since that day I have felt pretty at peace with this decision. I can see God's hands in my life. I am trying to rely on faith. I am trying to embrace this experience and know that it will work out. I am going to work hard. I know, and have been told, that this might be the hardest thing I ever do in my life. I am filled with mixed emotions and I am sure there will be some tears in the next few years, but I am excited and looking forward to this journey. #PhDinThree begins now. 

Wish me luck! My reality is about to change.

School Shopping With the Teenage Boys

You know when you have a vision of what an activity is going to look like and then you go about your plan and the reality of the activity becomes very different than your vision, well that's school shopping with teenage boys. I had envisioned these fun days of shopping and chatting and lunch with my boys and then the reality hit. Let me tell you about the two days through a series of dialogue.

Me: Clark, Zack do you want to go school shopping?

Boys: Do we have to go today?

Me: No not really, we can go another day.
Clark: I'm not really even sure if I need anything except some shoes, shirts, and pants.

Me thinking: Duh, you need everything!

Me: Okay we can go another day. 

Fast forward two weeks. Clark is at EFY and Zack is sleeping until noon on the last two weeks of summer. I have bought several shirts at the GAP on clearance and put them in their rooms. They picked out some shoes on an ambush shopping trip disguised as a family outing to get excited about the Olympics. 

1:00 pm
Me: Zack, we have to go school shopping for pants because the sale at American Eagle ends today. 

Zack: Ok, I'll get ready. 

Me texting Clark: What size and style pants do you wear at American Eagle. 

Clark texting me back: size 34 x 34 skinny. 

Later that day about 3:00 pm - Zack and I are at American Eagle. He walks in picks up 2 different size pants and heads to the dressing room. I walk to the wall and pick out 3 pair of pants for Clark, all the same style - 2 dark blue jeans, and one black pair that he needs for tech. 

3:05 pm: I'm looking through the sale rack for shirts, I pick two - one for Zack and one for Clark.

3:10 pm: Standing at the check out buying six pair of pants and the two shirts I picked out. 

Me: Are you sure you don't need anything else?  

Zack: No.

Me: Are you hungry? Do you want to go to lunch?

Zack: Well I'm kinda hungry, but can we just drive through In-and-Out?

Me: Yep, if that's what you want to do.

3:15 pm: Ordering a double double meal.

3:35 pm: We are home. Jeans are on the couch, Zack is eating a burger while watching Netflix in the front room. 

Zack: Thanks Mom! It's been a fun day. 

Me: Sure, It was fun. (But I'm thinking... Wait we've been gone an hour and I took the whole night off thinking we'd be enjoying some bonding time with baby boy. But he's so happy with a burger. Oh well, when Clark gets home we'll get school supplies).

Fast forward 2 weeks - 3 days before school starts and my last day before my school starts.

Just hit the copy and paste button from Shopping Day 1.

Edit:

Zack and Clark are in the car. 

They only want to go to the Walmart in Spanish Fork. 

The only isles we see in the store are the back-to-school isles and our purchase list includes: 8 black and white binders, 8 black and white folders, two packs of mechanical pencils, and two packs of pens. 

Dialogue change - Me: "Boys, do you need highlighters, or colored pencils or anything?" Boys: "No, you made us get those last year and I don't think we even opened them."

Drive through Sonic instead of In-and-Out.

Total time gone 30 minutes. 

Huh----When your vision doesn't match the activity. That's reality!

*** One thing I must mention, there were lots of thank you mom comments made. I have good boys.

Why a Blog?

I've never been a blogger or even a journal keeper, but as life passes I've often thought, "I need to write this down." Not really for anyone but me, and maybe my family. I mean I've lived a lot of life and have so many experiences that have defined who I am. Lately it seems like a lot of people see my life through social media, and because social media is just a highlight film, it appears that I only play and party. Although I do take play time very seriously, I don't want my legacy to be, "she only plays." I also work very hard, struggle, worry, plan prepare, and reflect on live's choices. So this blog is really going to be my reality - mostly great, but sometimes hard, and even maybe, occasionally ugly. I'm also writing this as a type of "therapy" for myself, I am so verbal and sometimes just saying (writing) something or telling a personal story can really just put life in perspective and bring balance. And to top it all off, my life is a lot of fun, and my family is awesome, and we are funny, and my reality is really pretty darn awesome! So welcome to my reality!