The Reality of 2017

It's the end of 2017 and it has been a year worthy for a journal post! It's definitely been a year of clarity, testimony, and soul searching. It is a year of homecomings and happiness, and one of sadness and faith. 2017 is a year of learning for me, a year of lessons to help be a better person.

Going back to get a PhD has been one of the biggest challenges of my adult life. Losing an entire income, exploring research rather than teaching, and being validated by a grade has been a huge mind shift and very difficult. The year started with me doing my very first research study as a grad student. It was difficult, time consuming, and frustrating. But like I said before, it was a year of learning. I learned a lot about my academic abilities and where my passion in my career lies. The Davis study taught me that the work, rather than the grade, is what is meaningful. The research has to get to the classroom, and the teachers are what make that happen. I love teaching, it is my passion. I want to help kids, all kids. Kids deserve it!

February was the month Kelsie came home from her mission! We had been anticipating this day with so much excitement. Home just doesn't feel like home without all the kids home. On February 17, 2017 Kelsie came home from Calgary. She served with great humbleness and gratitude of heart. She loved the mission so much and had a hard time coming home. She came home on Friday night, reported her mission on Sunday to a HUGE group of friends and family, and we took off for a family vacation to Disneyland on Tuesday. We had such a fun trip with the Bean Family, Kelsie was excited to go to our happy place and we just loved being together!

     
Spring was a busy, happy time. Kelsie found 2 jobs, at Mika Rose and the Marriott. She worked tons of hours all spring and summer long. The boys worked hard in school and in the UVCC choir. Zack had a really tough 9th grade year, he had a couple of IE
P team members that really seemed to be working against his educational goals. It was the first time that I had to pull the special-education card and work to support my child's rights and needs. Todd had a really busy spring, it seems he always does, but busy is better than slow so we are very grateful for busy. I survived statistics and learned that doing your very best is good enough. I didn't get straight A's, but I got through it with my sanity and my family in tact.

Summer was CRAZY!! We did a lot of traveling and were constantly on the go. It started with a little trip to Disneyland with Veronica's family and Kristen, Aric, and Strider. It was the first time Aric had ever been to Disneyland and the first for Kristen in a very long time. It was a blast, but a lot of work for me. I really played babysitter and tour guide. It was so much fun though. It is always fun to share my tips of my favorite place with newbies. Then I headed to Chicago for a school national conference. I am working as a graduate assistant on a huge federal grant. I presented a poster session there and one night, I went exploring; it was so fun. I can't wait to go back. Then the boys went on UVCC tour to Washington DC for 3 whole weeks. While they were gone and I was in Chicago, Todd went to his family reunion in Baker. Then on Tuesday July 5th, Todd, Kelsie, and I went to Calgary to explore Kelsie's mission. That day I got a phone call letting me know that Grandma Rigby passed away. We cut our trip short and headed home Sunday night for the funeral and the boys flew in from DC. It was a good thing we came back, we took the last family picture with all my brothers and sisters. The boys headed out on Pioneer Trek, Clark loved it and Zack said he's glad he went, but would never go again.  July 31st Clark and I headed to NYC for his senior trip. It was the trip of a lifetime for sure. In August Adam passed away and we tried our best to support his family and mourn his loss. Just one week later the boys and I started back to school and then later that week we moved Kelsie to Logan to start at Utah State. That's a quick one paragraph summary of the summer. 

Then we moved into fall and school and school and work and school!

Pretty soon it was time to get ready for the holidays. We decided that we needed a break, so we took the kids to Disneyland for Thanksgiving. It was such a great decision! We had the best Thanksgiving ever. We ate at the Blue Bayou for Thanksgiving dinner and then on the way home we did tons of Black Friday shopping! It was so fun. Then we prepared for Christmas and decided it was going to be memorable one. If things go as planned (which they never do) we won't have all three kids home for Christmas for at least 2 - 4 years. So I wanted to do a traditional Christmas and we did it!

Now it is the day after Christmas 2017 and I am pondering the many lessons learned this year. And as I said in my Christmas email... Memories are more important than "things" and the most important of all is the people you love. Cheers to 2017 and bring on 2018 with lots of people and lots of memories and not a lot of things.

The Power of Friendship

I am incredibly thankful for the many great and inspiring women that have filled my life for as long as I remember. Most are not famous (yet), and they may not be what most of the world would consider news worthy. Some of these women are older than me, some are much younger, some are richer, skinnier, more stylish, and much more talented. Some are homemakers, some are businesswomen, some are students, some are retired, and all are just trying to be their best at being their best self. These women are not my mom, sisters, cousins, or aunts - as a matter of fact, these women don't really have to be in my life at all. I think that's what makes them so incredibly special - they choose to be a part of my life. For that choice, I am truly blessed. These women are my girlfriends.

My entire life I have been blessed with the most true examples of real friendship. Some women complain of friends that back-stab or gossip or try to "one up" the next. And of course, I am not exempt from hurtful petty things, but I have to say that every phase of my life has been truly guided by the most inspiring women that rise above the pettiness of life to serve, give, and love beyond what is expected. My friends have supported me to reach my dreams, lifted in times of trial, laughed in times of joy, cried in times of great sadness, and applauded in times of triumph. There have been many times when I just needed a listening ear and these women have listened until wee hours of the morning (I'm a talker). These are the women that when you say, "I'm going for a girls' night and I'll be home later." The husband knows later means waaayyyy later. These women do not judge, they do not gossip, they do not have to out-do each other. These are they who get inspired to send a text, give a hug, or make a coke run when they know something just doesn't feel "right."


In every phase of my life I have had girlfriends who have been placed in my life not because of chance, but because Heavenly Father knows I needed them for survival. In high school my friends knew very little about the tumultuous circumstances in my home, but their friendship are the reason I survived those years. They were there to offer a ride, stick with me through emotional hormones, and not pry when I wasn't able to talk about struggles, but listened when I was. In college, my roommates were exactly what I needed as I navigated a world with very little family support. They supported me through a first kiss, my parents divorce, financial worries, and my engagement. My young married years were filled with the best examples of mothers, and of playdates, simple visits, and park lunch. They are friends that supported my me when Clark was sick, when Kelsie hit puberty, and when I made the difficult choice to go back to work. I have the most wonderful friends that I have learned from in my career. I've shared classrooms with these women, sat in long faculty meetings, and taught, coached, and advised so many kids - from teenaged giggly girls to those that struggle most. When I went back to graduate school I met women that will be my friends forever. We have endured statistics, advisors, and research together. We even did spring break (pretty sure I'm too old to spring break). The most comforting thing is knowing that there may be gaps in time that life prevent us from getting together, but when we get the chance to catch up it's like life has stood still and we pick-up where we left off. These are true friends that will be friends for a lifetime.

In the last five years I have literally been in the presence of angels on earth right in my own neighborhood. For example, just this week my dear friend, Nicole, fell ill. I sent a text to those who I felt might be able to help with her little boy, and within minutes there was a response of those who wanted to help her family, help with dinners, help with children, etc. There was not one on that list, or in my neighborhood, that wouldn't have dropped what they were doing to help. No one was trying to out-do another, offended if another volunteered first or didn't volunteer at all, or didn't have the same to offer as another. Each friend just wanted to help another friend who was in need. It really hit me that "These women would do the same for anyone in this neighborhood. They are just amazing women." These are the women that I get to work through life with - I am truly blessed.

I am blessed because I have always been surrounded with friends like this - Seriously, I am so lucky. I know that there are amazing women everywhere. I know that I will have the opportunity to meet and become friends with other women that will teach and inspire me. The great thing about the heart is that it has room for anyone that wants to get in and find a place.

                     

So, I guess the reality of friendship is that a girlfriend is someone who has chosen to be a sister. It doesn't matter age, religion, wealth, size, or shape - true sisterhood is a bond so strong that it weathers a storm and is eternal in nature. I love my sisters; sisters who have chosen me and am so thankful for each of each of them.

Side note: These photos are not inclusive of the friendships in my world. As a matter of fact, they are  only a fraction of the inspiring women in my life. They are only the photos I could find on my phone from the last year or so. Most of the pics of friends are lost in cyberspace, on an old iPhone, in a film negative, but mostly in my heart!

The Reality of Loss

Summer 2017 has been so full of new realities. We have traveled and experienced many new things.  But I will remember 2017 as the summer of two major losses in my life that has really changed the perspective of my reality.

First, I lost Grandma Rigby. Let me just say that Grandma has been a major stabling force in my life for my whole life. I love her, I miss her, and I will always be grateful for her. We were in full summer mode, we had been tripping all over, working hard, and had just enjoyed the 4th of July weekend. Grandma had fallen ill, she was 93 and we knew that her health was failing. We also knew it was time for her to join Grandpa in the heavens. Kelsie, Todd and I were on a trip to Calgary, we went to see her mission for the the first time since she came home. Clark and Zack were in Washington DC for their choir trip. I got a call from my sister Kathy on July 5th, we were just driving through Montana on our way for a fun filled week. My heart sank, for the loss of my Grandma, but mostly for the sadness I knew my mom must be filled with. Mom and Grandma were best friends, Grandma was my mom's personal saving grace on this earth. Mom had to be heart broken and sad, she just lost part of her heart. 

We knew that Grandma's life was coming to a close, but hoped it would be a little longer. But it was time to make plans and decide if we could all get home to go to the services. I called the boys and we decided that we all needed to get home for Grandma's funeral. We had such a fun trip to Calgary, we saw so many people that Kelsie loves, we went to the stampede, and then we headed home.  It was long travel day, we took a wrong turn in Montana and our 9-10 hour drive ended up being almost 14! The boys flew in a few days early from tour. We picked them up at the airport just after midnight and headed to the SLC airport Marriott, thank goodness for Kelsie's employee discount! We went early to Grandma's service and to the viewing. It was the most beautiful tribute to life I've ever been to. There was a feeling of peace, I could feel strongly that Grandma and Grandpa were reunited, happy and healthy and strong. 

During the viewing my sister Angie said, "Mindy, I think we need to get a family picture." I know she was inspired to say that. The Spirit in her must have stirred and told her, "Get a picture." At the cemetery, we got a picture. It was the first time in a very long time that that many of us were all together. The only people missing were Evonne and her kids, Dave's Megan, and our missionary Chez. Even my Dad was there. I am so grateful Angie followed her prompting and made sure that picture was taken. 

The next few weeks passed and we were getting ready for school to start. The morning of August 14th will be one I remember for the rest of my life. It was early in the morning, I was still in bed. I heard my phone ring, it was Veronica. Veronica is an early bird, so I just ignored it. I was tired I hadn't slept well all night. Thirty seconds later it rings again. My stomach felt sick, I knew something was wrong.

"Hello" I said. 

"I need your help!" 

"Oh no, what's wrong?"

"Adam died this morning."

"What, What, What happened?"

"I think he had a heart attack."

"What should I do?" I am sick to my stomach, I can't make sense of it.

"I don't know, maybe call your mom."

"Okay, bye."

"Mom, what's going on?"

"How do you know?" She said.

"I just talked to Veronica. What's happening?"

"Adam is dead. He's had a heart attack. The police won't let us in. We're at his apartment. Oh no, I wish my mom was here."

"Mom, what should I do? Do you want me to call the brother's and sisters?"

"Maybe we should wait and see what happens. No, I guess just call them and we'll have a family meeting later to help make arrangements."

"Okay, I'll call. We'll talk soon."

And then the next week was a mad blur of trying to make plans, trying to figure out what to do with his belongings, and honestly trying to fight through the madness of a broken family and divorced parents to do whatever I could to protect the kids. The kids are a part of my heart. They've been in my home and in my heart and mind since forever, but especially in the last couple of years. So much heartbreak, so much sadness, and such a heavy hand dealt to those six kids. I went into work mode. I wrote the obituary for my brother, it was one of the hardest things I've ever written, but at the same time I was honored to do it. I made tons of phone calls, I loaded my brother's belongings into the back of a car, and stored them in the basement of my niece so it would be protected from those who wanted to pilfer through it for their own personal benefit. I helped write talks for my nieces and nephews to read at their dad's funeral. Then I attended the funeral services of my 44 year old brother, who left this life too early. 

Then I mourned. I continue to mourn. I continue to figure out my feelings in this grieving process. I continue to worry for my nieces and nephews, my mom, Veronica, my sisters and brothers. I continue to come to terms with my own relationship, sometimes volatile, with my brother and my place in a very unconventional family. 

But beyond mourning, I have been strengthened I feel confident in my testimony of the plan of happiness. I know that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father that knows me individually. My faith has been strengthened, and my heart is full. I am so grateful the army of angels that have always protected me and buoyed me up. I have never been alone in my life, through times of joy and times of trials. I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me. 

The reality of my reality is that I have felt tremendous loss this summer. I have also felt tremendous strength. I am blessed and I am thankful. 

        

He Knows Him Best

Mom will always know him as her miracle, a happy drooling son,

Dad knew he’d always have his back, and would give service to anyone.

The brothers will always know him as their funny supportive friend,

The sisters will remember him as their protector that teased them to no end.

His friends will hear him saying, “Let’s talk, come in and stay a while.”

All those that were around him knew they’d be greeted with a smile.

His kids will always know that “Awesome” was their name,

That having fun and working hard was the motto of the game.

But there is one that knows him far better than the rest,

His elder Brother Jesus knows his heart and soul the very best.

He embraced his elder brother and with big tears in his eyes,

He gave Him a great big hug and thanked Him for his sacrifice.

He’s our eternal guardian angel, with a heart swelled up with love,

He has a greater understanding now and can smile from above.

I imagine he’s telling stories with both his Grandpas at each side,

With his future grandchildren saying, “Grandpa, is it my turn for a ride?”

Love you BoBo, until we meet again!

-- Mindy Stout Tolbert

My Three "R"s of Parenting

Now that my kids are getting late into their adolescent years I have been asked, "How do you raise such good kids?" or "What did you do to teach them how to be kind to little kids or the elderly" or "I would have kids if they were like yours, so why don't you just give them to me?" Someone even asked if their kids could live at my house until they turned 18, at which the 12 year old started to tear up and plead with her mom to please not make her live with me and she would be good, she promised. When asked things like this my response is usually something snarky or sarcastic like, "they're afraid of their crazy mother!" or "They were born that way." or "Time will tell on how much therapy they need as an adult." or "Just give them everything they want because it's easier that way." or... I could go on and on with snarky comments. Although many of the comments are really true, the reality is I really do have great kids! In my opinion, they are wonderful kids, and even more rewarding, they are really turning into wonderful adults.

Now let's live in reality, my kids are good kids; but they are not perfect, they make lots of choices that have not so wonderful consequences, and we as a family have many many trials and challenges. And let's be really real, I am not a great example of motherhood. I've lost my temper on more occasions than I am proud of, I am prideful enough to always have the last word, and I worry and carry a lot of guilt when it comes to parenting. And to be perfectly honest, I am not even close to done raising my kids and the floor could fall out at any minute and blow all of my theories right out of the water. 

Lately, I've been thinking about it and asking myself how much of it is nature and how much is nurture, and is there really anything I have done to raise good teenagers? The answer is yes, yes, and yes. Yes, they are great kids because of their divine inheritance of being a child of God and the plan He has for them. They are talented kids and were born with a personalities that support their drive for success. Yes, they are great kids because of Todd and I have commitment to parenting and our insistence on certain qualities we want the kids to learn. We chose to become parents and the responsibilities that come along with it. And yes, they are good kids because of the things we have done to teach our children. Most important of all, they are good kids because of the choices they make and the work they have done to be great kids. 

If I really thing about though I have narrowed my parenting to three big qualities I have tried to instill in my kids. I'm sure this is a work in progress, but I've narrowed it down to three big "R"s - Respect, Responsibility, and Righteousness. It all kind of comes back to these three things.

RESPECT - Respect the people around you, respect your world, respect your property, respect others property, respect the voice of others, respect authority, and most important, respect yourself. This does not in any way mean you have to cower to pressure or not allow your voice to be heard. What it does mean is that as passionate as you are about something, someone else is not. I have an inherent idea that people in general want what's best for themselves and usually others. What we do know is that everyone is different and what is best for others may not be what's best for us. Stand up for what you believe and make actionable steps to accomplish your goals. Do not be defeated by others, do not be influenced by what other's believe, but act and think in a way that shows respect for yourself, your beliefs, and your Heavenly Father. Serve others, showing respect for others is using your talents, time, and resources to bless the lives of others. Humble share what you have and bless your life by blessing the lives of those around you. If you're going to take the time to do it, do it to the best of your ability. And you don't need to put another person down to show your importance or your position in society. Your actions will speak for yourself.

RESPONSIBILITY - Life is about choices. Make good choices, always try to do what is best. Then take the responsibility for your choices. If you make a good choice, be proud of the choice you made, and humbly take credit. If you make a poor choice, and it will happen, then take responsibility for it. Be sorry, show remorse, repent, and make it right. There is no greater quality in a person than one who can apologize and learn from their mistakes. Mistakes bring growth to those who are willing to learn from those mistakes and do better the next time around.

RIGHTEOUSNESS - Give credit to your Heavenly Father. My kids are blessed kids with talents, intellect, and determination. They must show appreciation for the many gifts they've been given. To show gratitude to our Heavenly Father they should behave and act in a way that shows respect to Heavenly Father. They have also been blessed to be taught of God, Christ, and the Holy Ghost at a young age. They know that if they act in accordance to the teachings of their Heavenly Father they will be blessed. They must have faith in His plan to fulfill their plan. Greatness awaits those who can persevere through the challenges and trials in life and keep faith through those trials.

So when I think about what's been done to have good kids. I need to accept the things that I have taught my kids. I respect the laws and protections of parenthood. I show respect to my spouse, my kids, my employer, my leaders, and those around me. I show respect our home, our country, our laws, and my Heavenly Father. I take responsibility for my actions. I feel sorrow for when I am wrong. I own my mistakes, and I celebrate my success. I know that I am where I am today because of the choices I have made. I recognize that my choices lead to consequences and it's not anyone's responsibility, but mine, to make my life the way I want it. I celebrate the successes of my children, I am never happier than when my kids are happy and when they achieve their goals. I always do my best to live a righteous life and show gratitude to my Heavenly Father. I try to be a woman of faith. I know I am blessed. I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and has a plan for me. I will do my best to fulfill those plans and expectations. I love my children, every move I make I consider my children and their success, I know they have been blessed to have sharp minds, talents, and abilities, and I know they are influenced by my parenting. I hope I do them justice.