Today I posted on Facebook that we are in a single digit countdown until Kelsie gets home. Being a missionary mom has been one of the single most surreal things in my entire life. I don't think there is an emotion that I have not felt over the last 15 months, happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow, excitement, fear, love, sickness, empathy, euphoria, gain, pride, humility, and loss.
When announced she needed to go on a mission I was shocked and thrilled, but the thought of sending her off for 18 months had me terrified and sad. I don't say she wanted to go on a mission, but she felt drawn and had witnessed a true personal revelation that she was to serve. I am the kind of hovering mom that wants to be in control of a lot of things, but for this I knew she needed to rely on her own strength and the love of a Heavenly Father who knows way more than me. She, alone, prepared her papers and got spiritual ready to submit them. I don't know if I've ever been so nervous and excited then the day she opened her call. The mailman brought them to the door and I sent her a text to school. When I held that white envelope in my hand I knew it was the right call; I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time. She flew home after class to open the call. Lots of family and friends came, she is the first sister to serve on the Stout side and the second on the Tolbert side. When the call came there was excitement and cheering and pride that filled our home. She headed back to school and finished the semester. One thing I can always count on is Kelsie's focus. When she is supposed to do something she does it. She finished school and prepared for a mission, that's what she did.
We snuck a trip to Disneyland at the end of the semester and then we prepared for mission in a more physical way while we tried to work and live life. There was lots of shopping and lots to squeeze in before she left. We made it to Emily's wedding, Chez's mission call opening, a girls' trip to San Fransisco, and a family trip to Glenwood Springs Colorado. On her 19th birthday Kelsie gave her farewell talk in sacrament meeting surrounded by everyone she loves most. I'll never forget walking into her room on Monday night, July 27th, two days before she left. I had been up late working and I went to her room to see why the light was on. My girl was in full tears. She was scared and worried and nervous and terrified about leaving. She was unsure of her testimony and preparedness. My heart was broken-I felt sadness like I have rarely felt in my life. My heart wanted to just tell her to stay home. She could return to school on the full ride scholarship that she was on and we could move on like the status quo. But I knew I had to set my heart aside and show the strength that we do hard things and preserve. I reminded her of the reason she was going and that her preparation was enough. Heavenly Father would carry her when she needed Him. Satan is the doubt that crept into her thoughts and told her she wasn't enough. Tuesday I tried to get her to pack - she refused. I sat on the floor in the front room and packed my little girl for 18 months. We went and found some of the things she was missing and we came home to get ready for her setting-apart. The stake president and bishop came to our home and set her apart as a full-time missionary. It was tough as a mom, but Kelsie said she felt better than she had in 4 months.
Wednesday we packed her up, Todd gave her a father's blessing, and we knelt if family prayer for the last time in 18 months. Then we went to some lunch at Joe Bandito's, a local favorite. We arrived at the Provo Temple and took some pictures before it was time to say goodbye. Then we said a very emotional goodbye and drove across the street to the MTC. It was the most heartbreaking moment of pride I have ever felt. I cried like I haven't cried in a very long time and felt an emptiness in my gut. I knew that it would be hard, but it was harder than I could even imagine. I knew I wouldn't want her anywhere else, but it was a hard day. I immediately sent her an email telling her that we were okay, and that she should go to work. I knew I wasn't ok, but I didn't want her to know that.
I went to work after that. I filled my days with the work that had been put on the back burner while we prepared for her departure. Each day got better and I found I was excited to hear from her every p-day. I got to talk to her 12 days later before she left to Calgary and it made me feel better that she was doing just fine. A few weeks into her mission I could tell she wasn't ok. She sent me an email telling me she needed a mom "lecture". Again, what I wanted to do was tell her to come home. But again, I told her to remember the reason she was there, I told her to work hard and think about the people. Within a few months I could tell she was doing better. I have really missed her; birthdays, holidays, family vacations, slow times, driving, family dinners, and lonely times.She has hard times, she has had great times, she has grown into the best version of herself and I am so beyond proud of my little girl who is now her Heavenly Father's soldier.
With three months to go I reflect upon the blessings of having a missionary in our family. We have been blessed beyond measure. One of the greatest blessings I have felt is my ability to look beyond the challenges in life and see the blessings that are always abundant. I know that Heavenly Father blesses the missionaries and their families. It has not all been rosy and Satan has worked on our families. We have seen sadness, trial, and even the wavering of strong testimonies. But we have seen blessings of family, babies, testimony, friendship, and strength beyond our own. We are watched over and protected by a Father in Heaven that knows each of us. We are given all of the opportunities and blessings we need to have our families for the eternities. We are blessed! I love that little girl of mine, she is my only daughter and a literal piece of my heart. Thank you sweet girl for giving me the opportunity to be a missionary momma. I love you and am so proud of you!
When announced she needed to go on a mission I was shocked and thrilled, but the thought of sending her off for 18 months had me terrified and sad. I don't say she wanted to go on a mission, but she felt drawn and had witnessed a true personal revelation that she was to serve. I am the kind of hovering mom that wants to be in control of a lot of things, but for this I knew she needed to rely on her own strength and the love of a Heavenly Father who knows way more than me. She, alone, prepared her papers and got spiritual ready to submit them. I don't know if I've ever been so nervous and excited then the day she opened her call. The mailman brought them to the door and I sent her a text to school. When I held that white envelope in my hand I knew it was the right call; I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time. She flew home after class to open the call. Lots of family and friends came, she is the first sister to serve on the Stout side and the second on the Tolbert side. When the call came there was excitement and cheering and pride that filled our home. She headed back to school and finished the semester. One thing I can always count on is Kelsie's focus. When she is supposed to do something she does it. She finished school and prepared for a mission, that's what she did.
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